07-08-03

Queen of moodswings.

Ok, so tell me what this is, at least not normal - to not say very abnormal. But suddenly I feel the urge to die. What am I doing? First of all, I'm ruining Ruben's life, I make him feel miserable and I've taught him to only need me. I'm stupid and I'm useless and I could never act useful. I hate myself for being a nuisance, when I'm not able to change it. I'm not worth food, why do I eat while starving to death seems like such an attractive idea? It's a slow death, so if I change my mind I can live and eat at any time again. But I'm stubborn and pigheaded, and proud of it. I'm too fat anyway.
I lied to my grandmother, she always comes in the evening - she won't come anymore when Ruben will be back - and the lie I told her was that Ruben will be back tomorrow. It actually doesn't bother me that I told her this lie. I mean, I'm almost 22, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. But the real reason I told her that, is because I'd like it very much to have an evening pecefully and quit. I mean, it's irritating to have a chatterbox around when all I think is shut up. This is my holiday too, actually. I'm normally apathetic and antisocial and stuff, so I'd like to be all alone before Ruben comes back.
I'm proud of my hair. It looks long, red and so healthy. I love my hair.

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