02-08-03

Dead and away.

For me, I don't believe in any upper creature, like God for example.That is why I consider suicide as a point of relief, the end of life. Why would I kill myself, if I believed in a life after death? Well, simply because I don't. I have to get clear to myself at this point, or clearer anyway. Maybe I'll start with writing down some facts, before I even try giving an interpretation.

  1. I am going to die sooner or later.
  2. I have a higher chance to have a bad heart and to die from it.
  3. All people have a rather high chance to die in some accident.
  4. I have a higher chance to die from a bad operation, since an operation wouldn't be so strange for me to have.
  5. I am convinced that I will kill myself some time, before I progress too much in my disease or before my heart grows worse.

Just imagine that my disease progresses and progresses, so much that physically I wouldn't be able anymore to kill myself. That would just be awful for me. I'm a control freak. And killing yourself is the only control I'd have, as long as I am able to do it. And if I lose that, I lose my likng to live, but also the ability to do something about it.
My sickening thought of liking my feelijngs of pain, obviously is not good It is psychotic, because the world does not appreciate no longer real humans with real feelings and not being ashamed for them. In that point of view, Ruben is a lot different from me. Most of all because he doesn't dare to tell his supposedly best friend, Thomas, the truth.
Suicide only needs to be justified for yourself. Who else, but oneself, has to live with oneself all life? I honestly believe that my suicide will be justified for myse;lf, this way.
Though I want to make it clear to everyone, that I dn't want to kill myself because of my disease. I sure love being this way, without progression though if I could.
Again, end of plea.

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Commentaren

Oi! "Suicide only needs to be justified for yourself. Who else, but oneself, has to live with oneself all life?" I'd say if I had a disease and I would come to a point where I would physically be no longer able to kill myself, I'd want to kill myself before that would happen because indeed, what good is life living if you cannot live it anymore, but do life instead.
But... suicide does not only reflect yourself, but also those around you, close to you (like Ruben).
And, because you are so sure you will commit suicide at one point in your life, and you seem to believe you have less chance of survival (or should I say a bigger chance to die), then why not make the best out of your life. Yes you can feel sad and wail in selfpity or pity all the time -pity for the things you should've done or could've done to make others happy- feeling sad is your right even, but... Life is too short, so why not enjoy it?

Gepost door: Lena | 02-08-03

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