31-07-03

Memorial.

Last night, when Ruben left, I chatted with Bart. Bart is my ex and my first real true love. The last time that I heard of him, was last year when we saw eachother agaiin one night in November. Last week, he sent me a mail (a forward) and so I noticed he had msn too, so I added him. With no intention at all. It's so strange, we just could talk like in the old times. I don't know ifc he had never broken up with me, if I eventually would have. We were looking back to our beautiful memories. I'm sure he'll always be in my heart somewhere, it was truly a special someone, but now there is Ruben and it doedsn't matter what ever will happen, he'll stay even more close to me because I feel that he is the one I'm going to spend my life with.This noon Ruben and me went to the supermarket, the optician and to other little things, which had to be done. Then we cooked a little thing for ourselves, tonight we will too, and we'll also watch another movie together, Contact with Jodie Foster. Last day was quite funny, Ruben worked a bit on my wheelchair, a few adaptations that make it easier for me to sit in it. We do have a fantastic time alone in this house, doing everything by ourselves. Oh and this morning we went lokin g to that studio and the door was open, there wasn't anyone but we went looking to the space and it looks nice. There's not yet a kitchen or toilet or zo in it, so it's the perfect time for me to speak with the letter.

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29-07-03

Beautiful things.

Ruben was here when we waved my parents and my brothers goodbye. I shed a few tears. Not really becouse I was sad, but because I didn't know what else to do. I'm a bit too emotional sometimes. That's also a diffecult someone to be. I'll miss Ira, especially him and I long to hold him in my arms again.
Then Ruben and me talked a bit about what had to be done (feeding the chickens and the geese and my cat of course, watering the plants, shopping for food and stuff). The practical side, good preparation for when we go living together.
We also went to the optician. Ruben's glasses broke in Norway, so he quickly needed a new one, so he went buying one. Afterwards, we went to rent a video, Schrek, I saw it already and I wanted to see it together with him. We watched it tonight, we enjoyed seeing it in eachother's company.
How wonderful this is, having a large house and a great garden to ourselves for a monnth. This morning we filled my pool with hot water, maybe tomorrow we'll go in it.
This afternoon when we were 'making love', I suddenly started to cry. Because I love him more than words can say and I missed him, and I'm not exactly looking forward to miss him again from Friday on. It was the most beautiful moment I've spend with him. I can't even comprehend it. The most beutiful feeling of love in this exisence. It never happened to me before, I just love him with all my heart.

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28-07-03

I just died in your arms tonight....

We didn't even kiss. Maybe because I didn't feel like it... How I wonder... What it would be like to poison myself and to lay down in his arms while he caresses me tenderly to sleep...
Goodnight.

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27-07-03

Last chocolate bar...

This morning I played a bit with baby Ira, I cried, I'll really miss him. I hope he still remembers me after not seeing me for a month.
Someone's boyfriennd said to her: "There's no love in fear". Made me think, it's a beauticful sentence and there is a lot of truth in it of course, however it stays hard not to fear sometimes. I think I don't easily grow out of that early feeling of being in love. I'm still as excited to see him as when we hugged for the first time, the 10th of August it's six months ago. Ancd six months already and his parents still haven't accepted our relationship. After six month, with lot's of troubles, we still will be together. He'll arrive tonight and he's coming by around 10 PM. I asked him not to phone me yesterday, I only would have cried anyway...

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26-07-03

In need of some wish.

Monday in the morning, my mum, Johan and my three brothers are leaving on a holiday for a month. With the camping car to Southern France, Spain and the Basque Country (my three brothers are named: Roebi Jan Sebastian, Ilya Sam Sebastian and Ira San Sebastian, to our favourite Basque City San Sebastian; we didn't want to give them second and third names, but because their names are unisex, the law of Belgium says that you have to give your child a second name which has to be obviously male or female; I was born before that law, though Jody is unisex too and to my opinion more male than female, I have no other names, by the way a few years ago I had an internet date with a boy of the same age called Jody). So I'll have the house to myself a whole month. It'll do me good, because now it's quite hectical with my younger brothers playing here with their friends. It'll be nice to have some silence around again.
Ruben is supposed to come untill Friday (with his sleeping breaks at home of couse, because his mum doesn't seem to understand that sex can happen every hour of the day, speaking of conservatism...). Then Ruben is going to Spain for a week - that week my grandmother is staying (in case I starve I bet she'll buy a whole food shop again) - and for the rest of the month Ruben again should be here to feed the chickens and stuff and off course to be with me. My mum forbid (sort of) my grandmother to come whenever Ruben is here, because she'd keep an eye on what wed're doing together, and she isn't supposed to tell me what to do and what not to do, and she won't let me do what I do without preachin, and I'm almost 22.

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What a draggy day.

I drag myself around the house, all damn day long. I feel alone, and lonely too. Ruben is coming back late tomorrow night though. I want to 'talk' to him, but I can't find a thing to sms him about, but a 'I miss you. I don't know what I feel about tomorrow. Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I thought about having babies, suicide and dying in general. I'm so sad. I'm dispassionateless too.
Yesterday evening, Johan told me about this years' studyclasses to Tunesia, or maybe it was last year. The funniest and most interesting was silent all the time, and never drinking any alcohol. He was staring at the sea all the time. Johan asked him why he didn't seem to have fun. He answered that he was missing his girlfriend too much... I can imagine that boy's feelings at that time. However, for some reason, I don't think Ruben would act that way too, but like always, I could be wrong. It tears me apart when I think about it. I don't ever want to have that feeling. I don't think I'd cope. For that reason I am questioning my relationship with Ruben. Can't help it, I'm so scared.

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25-07-03

All mine.

It is for a while already I've wanted to write this down. It makes me annoyed lots of people, who only read my blog and don't know me in person - if they not only read but one post - write judgements about me. Frankly enough it doesn't matter what they write, I never delete it anyway becauose I hate censorship. This has become an interactive blog, which I like in a way, my way. And I do appreciate my true readers and their comments, either positive or negative. But I don't appreciate judgements or 'orders (like 'stop feeling this or that way'). This is my journal, and I use it like the way it should be. I write down my feelings, an everybody has irrational feelings too, the one who doesn't isn't human. I don't think many people would have the guts to be as honest as I am, in public anyway. Therefor I'm proud of myself. But the readers who really matter to me, know that already. And it's not because some stated some things about my relationship, that I also think any differently about it. I love him and it's only him I need to be with. And if you really care about my feelings, you'll apreciate I write them down so honestly, lik my true readers do. This is my own journal, in which I write my feelings of the moment, and if you don't like my view on things, simply quit the reading.

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24-07-03

'Gentse feesten'.

Can you believe it? When I am too excited, I get depressed. Because I miss the only one who can make my excitement optimal. Ruben, who else? Lots of people think he's too young for this kind of serious relationship, but we are the only ones who feel that our emotions towards eachother are true and we both honestly believe that a love like ours doesn't exist among others. And that's exactly how you should be thinking in your unique relationship. Anyway, I'm not going to spend any time in convincing others this is an endless relationshîp.
This noon we went to visit Anja and her baby. It touched me again to hold such a sweet, little baby in my arms. It makes me a bit jealous to see all of those young couples who are looking so happy with their first baby. I really want babies of myself (and Ruben) and i want them in the next three years. My mum was 19 when she got me, this year she got 41 after Ira (February 7th) was born.
Anja offered us all a drink, to honour Nello, I asked a cherry geneva and I got quite a glass. I had forgotten not to drink too much with those muscle relaxants I take lately. So, in the car I was so relaxed, that I almost fell asleep. But hey, no harm was done, and I was fit again very soon. We went for lunch together with mum, she works with her mum so she can go for lunch most of the time.
We then went looking for an earring for Ruben, we found one, I bought one. Then my brothers started to ask for one too. Ilya (8 years old, he got an earring shot as a Christmas present, two years ago), he lost his earring and so he just wanted to have a new earring. Roebi (8 years old) wanted to have an earring shot, like his brother, today. And well, since I have six earrings, a belly button piercing and a tattoo, I couldn't find something more I could do to myself.
After that we went to child animation and stuff, and three times Johan and me drove with the bumper scooters. Roebi wanted my wheelchair to have a balloon, so all afternoon I had a balloon attached to my wheelchair, wich I kept for little Ira.
We went direction car, we stopped to get a drink and then I got an sms from Ruben, and then someone came to me and asked me if I was didi. What a nice surprise, and coincedence to meet someone of Antwerp in Gent. It was Steffest, who by the way made me a script to adapt the lay-out of my comments. He also is a blogger, and he reads my journal too, so he recognized me (or my flashy wheelchair) from my picture. Lovely to meet him that way.
I'm a little bit afraid Ruben will say that because I had 'fun' today, that he's going to demand that he'll have fun in Spain himself. I won't be stopping him from having fun...
This evening he was crying again (when he does that, his mum assumes that we have a fight, blah, always having her prejudices), his mum said that 'somehow it must be that you really like that girl'. Come on, since when does he have to prove that he likes me? All people would have figured that one out by now, but not hiss parents off course. They seem ro hold on to the ridiculous thought that they can still break us up. Which is nonsense, because I'm never letting him go.

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Refreshing girl.

One day, a few years ago (in the students' home in Gent) Ello (Ellen, some four years younger than me, but already mature at that time) and me met, we were zo alike in a way and from the first moment on we got along so well. When our friendship started we began blogging eachother letters (that was the beginning of January 2001). We were hugfriends in a way too. Anyway, last night we met on the chat again. It was a happy chat for both I think. I'm so happy she's around again, I mean, the good people will always return to one another. And she's a fantastic girl (and the first and only girl I was in love with for a while - I don't quite know if she 'really' knew that, but it's true). In May she got diagnosed with Spasmofily, a bit like CFS, but doing fysiotherapy seems to help her a lot, and she'll probably feel better next year.
Ok, so tomorrow I'm to the Gentse feesten with Johan and the kids, but if I'm awake early enough, we'll go to see Anja and her baby first. I made her a card today. Then we'll try to go and meet mum for lunch, and in the afternoon I'll go looking for a silver earring for Ruben and then we'll go to the child animation for the kids.
Ruben, hearing him on the phone and knowing that he is a few thousend miles away... It's hard not to cry, I feel my haart skipping a beat when he says bye. I just never seem to have something to tell him, my words don't come out, but I love him!

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23-07-03

Lying bound and broken on the floor.

Ok, now the not so hysterical me. I won't defend the way I feel, but I'll write my feelings down very honoustly. It is absolutely not that I don't want or accept Ruben to go to Norway and to Spain. But he's dating me and me happens to be an incredible difficult person, who lives via her feelings. So, when she gets hysterical, she turns the world upside down and either you care or you don't. And he happens to care. I care about him too, but that doesn't mean I'm going to hold back my feelings. I'd rather die than not to have feelings - good and bad ones. This is not subjective, but when it's Sunday evening the worse part for him will end and for me it will begin. I know how much he loves me, but that just desn't change my feelings about being without him. And I need to be with him a lot, maybe in the next phase of my life I won't need to be with him so much, who knows, who caresn I'm talking about here and now. I don't have the courage to live on like this for much longer, I mean, make me see why I should live an unfair life, or why I should die. I can't see it on my own.

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22-07-03

Fun!

What's there about life that's fair??? I think that maybe it wold be better not to see him after Norway, he may stay home for that five days and after Ruben went to Spain, I can see him again. He doesn't need to phone me either. There goes my sick mind again. I know, but I don't care - or I don't care I care. He knew I would say that, it's his parents's fault, and when he goes to Spain, I'll say the same, if he doesn't want that, he should break with me or he should stay. But he'll go anyway, so he has to deal with the consequences. Don't say I'm bad, because I know it and I even want to die as a punishment. Hello world, this is the real me, that suicidal bipolar girl. That girl who's life has been totally screwed up, before she was been botn, and due to that she has been depressed ever since. I should just kill myself and not only talk about it. But I gave my best pills away (or she took them, whatever) to a friend, who even didn't suceed in killing herself. Out of sympathy... How stupid, I only care for my own death, not for someone elses.
PS: I got my period!

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Babylove.

I cleaned up my terrace table with apple vinegar. I guess that smell will dry in the sun today.
Anja, yesterday gave birth to a boy, he's named Nello. I tried to look up the explanation of that name, but there was none.
Thursday, we (Johan, me and the kids) are going to the Gentse Feester. While we are in ghent that day, we'll pop in in the hospital to see Anja and her bay. In the Gentse feesten I'll go looking for a silver earring for Ruben. He's still got the little one from the beginning, now I'll go and buy (when I find one) him a real ring.
I'm home alone today, and tonight Johan is going to the doctor's. I asked him to ask for six prescrptions for me, two of each: the anticonception pill (well yeah, I've already got a lot of them, but you can't be prepared enough - though I want a baby); Urispas and Liorisal, that muscle relaxant, but I am relaxed enough with half a dose.

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Money, money, money...

Aargh, a month ago I had to send a lot of money to my mum's account, but in my rush I sent €1000 too much, and well that is a lot. Immediately after she sent it 'back', because my account was under zero. Now, I've been under zero for€220 and I still didn't get the €1000! So, you can imagine I was pretty mad at my mum I guess - I know it was my mistake in the first place. What did she do, she did send it to another account, but to one of her own. Anyway, she'll put the cash on my account today, and let's hope I won't have too much costs...
I had a nightmare this night, probably because I saw La vita è bella with Ruben, that makes it quite funny, because that's not the kind of movie you'd have a bad dream about. I dreamt that I was a non-German speaking Jew in a German concentrationcamp. I met a German Jew, and we both tried to hida and escape in a labyrynth of hallways, with lots of doors and closets. But after a while we lost our way and I hid myself apart behind a door. When I didn't detect any noise, I opened the door and I looked into the eyes of a (handsome) German office, next to who the German Jew was sitting. The officer told me that he wouldn't shoot me and he gave me two names of other Jew-friendly officers from which I could get help also. And then I woke up.
I recieved the bill of my new wheelchair: €68,68. Seems that the rest has been paid back by the RIZIV (some service of the mutuality). Well, I didn't buy a very outstanding wheelchair like my previous one, it's a quite standard one that I only took one option with for wich I have to pay myself.

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Our song.

In some psycho kind of way it's always satisfying to know how much someone you love is dependent on your feelings. But I'm dependent on his too.
Crazy me went online shopping for some dark and heavy books tonight.
This noon we (my mum, Johan, me and my three little brothers) went eating out here in Aalter. It was so nice to be out of the house for some time. Afterwards we spent our afternoon at Mieke and Tom's. Mica, my cat, seems to have a weird disorder, he's got a desk and keyboard obsession when I sit behind my desk. I wouuldn't know what I'd have done when no Mica was here. He knows me, he senses my feelings and he cuddleecause he senses that I need a ug and that I am missing my sweetu. And, that's weird, but in fact Mica is jealous of Ruben, but Mica almost gets depressed of seeing me crying, even when it is for Ruben, so that he comforts me anyway.
Oh, and by the way, Ruben got my mail of 12 pages today. Let's sleep tight and meet n our dreams. Twinkle twinkle little star, by Kai, is our song...

Twinkle twinkle little star, by Kai

Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky,
Star light,
Star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight,

Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are,
I have so many wishes to make,
But most of all is what I state,
So just wonder,
That I've been dreaming of,
I wish that I can have owe her enough,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the dream I dream tonight,

Ooo baby

Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are,
I want a girl who'll be all mine,
And wants to say that I'm her guy,
Someone's sweet that's for sure,
I want to be the guy she's looking for,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the girl I wish tonight,

Ooo baby

Twinkle twinkle little star,
How I wonder what you are,
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky,
Star light,
Star bright,
The first star I see tonight,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Have the wish I wish tonight.

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21-07-03

I wasn't supposed to,

I wasn't supposed to cry on the phone all the time: I even didn't mean to, but I did. Ruben said it broke his haert. It breaks my haert too when so much of a distance is in between us. I could barely say 'hello", and I couldn't tell him "sweet dreams". He calls every night, and each day we sms a bit. I love him so much, I can't explain, I wonder if I can even comprehend it myself. He's haing a terrible time, his mum is nagging that he is so antisocial and only interested in internet and his mobile. In fact, it's only me he's interested in. I miss him so, and he misses me just as much, that makes it double so hard. He's sleeping with my bear in his arms now, if only I could kiss him sweet dreams.

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20-07-03

So sad...

Why did Ruben have to go to Norway. He's sad, I'm sad, but what do his parents care? They are enjoying them lik enthousiastics do, and they don't mind when he cries or when he looks sad, he sms-ed me that. I wonder if they actually do care about his feelings like that. He is so far, and I want to hold his hand. Time is ticking so slow... I wonder why it always are the sweet people who have to suffer. In fact it's easy, others haven't got feelings as sophisticated as ours.

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19-07-03

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

I mean, excuse me, but sometimes the only people with brains are the people t hat are different from the majority of people. We think and we reflect about things. They great majority amongst what is supposed to be humanity. The real human -someone who dares to feel feelings - suffers in this world of abusive people. This world was never meant for people like us, we are too human and we'd be happier on a planet of our own. Remember the flower power in the sixties. Net thing I dream of: make love, not war! The world will change whe peope like me and you die, but they'll forget it soon enough. If only we had a magic drink so that we would live on forever... Cut the crap you'd say? Then I'll say the same back to you. Nobody will hear us, but eentually they will - it's only a matter of being beautiful and true. Maybe they will come to their senses when it is too late, maybe it'll be sooner, but keep your mind as it is and live or kill yourself - what's the difference?
Ruben says that I sounded very good on the phone, but in fact I'd rather cry And there still are 8 days to go. I miss him, I love him, I think of him, I dream of him - all the time - he is always on my mind...

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Just wondering.

The night before Ruben went to Norway, he was crying so much, I 've neven seen him crying so much. He really didn't to leave me. I didn't want to cry, for him, but in the end it all got me too much and I couldn't hold back my tears ever since. I don't have to ask him if he still loves me, because I just know he does. He'ss al mine and I'm all his. And some people just can't swallow of others being happy. I feel compassion for their lovers, if they ever get one off course. But anyway, sweet revenge can be very satisfying sometimes. I love Ruben, Ruben loves me and love conquers everything. Trying to break us up is like an Olympic game, everybody needs to try it, after Ruben's parents, the 'simpie' was the third who tried that, but in the end we always win. We've talked about this before, we din't believe that any other love has such a nice fairy-tale beginning. I'll write down our beautiful story sometimes. People can never understand our love, itis true, even when he'd go on a holiday for a yeas (which off course I wouldn't like) I would never be afraid of losing him. If (not when!) we actually would break up, I'm so sure that he never would forget all about me, we've shared the most special mooments anyone could share with one another. So when we actually marry, we'll invite all of my true readers.
I wonder how it's possible that some people don't care about the way they act I even wonder if humanity doesn't suffer from psychosis. It woulldn't surprise me, knowing today's world. How many people are strong enough to act like only a human could, with feeling feelings and stuff? I mean, if you're weak on that surface, I would say you're desparately pathetic...

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18-07-03

Kids of America.

First of all, Monday we didn’t go to the sea, because my eldest brother had a high fever. The poor boy had a fever in a temperature of 35°C in the shadow. Too hot to move a finger. Really, I thought I was going to faint, but it even was too hot to put an effort into fainting.
Tuesday was an even hotter day, but more beautiful than Ruben and me could have ever dreamed of. We went in my middle-sized pool on my private terrace in the afternoon. In the evening we went in the pool too, and there we saw a very romantic sunset and other very romantic things we did there too. And actually that was our most beautiful moment before Ruben left for Norway for ten days (he left this night). I’ll miss him so, I already do. He brought me his favourite teddy-bears and I gave him mine. I gave him some books to read to spend the awful time he’ll have with his parents. He hates (1) leaving me alone, (2) going away with his parents, (3) and especially when it is such a cold country like Norway… Do you know what he did? He bought me ten chocolate bars, for each day one. Isn’t that sweet and original? I just love that boy so much. I gave him an extra large t-shirt of mine he could wear on his holiday.
Wednesday morning we went to market to buy some stuff. In the afternoon we traced some annoying idiots. It were some hypocritical ‘friends’ of Ruben, who were thinking to give me some breakdown by blackgarding me anonymously (they thought so anyway) in my comments. We had a rough idea of who it were. We had the transgressors, the hardware, but we manqued a motive (and we still do, but there is no doubt about who they are now). At night we stayed up to catch them in action, but we were tired and went to bed. Our whole afternoon and evening was so ruined by these childish people, well yeah, that’s that.
Thursday was all screwed up because of that fake, and ok, normally I’m not that revengeful and stuff. And on opinions I don’t ever take revenge at all, but that were no opinions, that were hypocritical aquisitions and statements of three extremely dumb people (so dumb that they didn’t think we could trace them to find out who they were): Kim (who sat for some lessons in Ruben’s class), her neece Els with who I chatted too, and Els her brother Steven or something. I do stand above people like that, but they tried to humiliate me personally in public, so we humiliated them back in a public chat yesterday. We’re both so screwed up because Els was in the complot too, she used to tell us how happy she was for us, the hypocritical bitch. Those three persons pseudonamed them simpie (Read the denouement!). Anyway, I had my daily portion of fun yesterday. But there not worth it to spend one little moment thinking of that childish pull. I’m not really hurted by them either, not as hurting should hurt, because what they did was senseless and an extremely low thing to do, so in the end I guess it’s quite fun. I can only think of one reason why the did that: they must be jealous on our love so strong and they enjoy breaking up people to let them suffer, because they have a sick and abusive mind themselves and they need psychiatric help. But who cares?
They ruined our goodbye to eachother, if that makes them happy, but another thing they did was that the gave us a very emotional moment that even strengthened our love. I really can believe that people are jealous on a love so beautiful as ours, I’d be jealous too but I’d never do something that even doesn’t reach the ground level. And they didn’t even say sorry, not that that would make some difference anyway, but well, it’s the principle too I think.
Forsaken of that, Ruben left early this morning, I woke and the must have passed an awful minute that this only was the first moment oof ten days before we’re going to see eachother again. So I cried, and even when I wipe my tears away, they come flowing back immediately. It hurts so much to write this down. My heart feels torn apart from my one dream, my only love. He send me some sms-es that he cried this morning too and that he also feels torn. At least we have that and maybe he’ll try to reach the internet sometimes. But nothing compares, nothing. I ate my first chocolate bar, I cried when I tasted it. Mica, my cat is sitting on my lap, he feels my sadness, he’s wet of my tears.
Then I realize I’m all alone with Sadness.

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14-07-03

Buongiorno principessa!

This noon Ruben came to take me to his house because his parents and all were out. Together we put some food in the microwave, both lunch and dinner. Before dinner, I had an Amaretto (very fond of that lately) and he had some Pisang.
The afternoon we spent in the couch, because I didn't feel like doing a lot and it was too hot outside (I can't believe it, it's the first year I know of in Belgium that the sun actually is shining so much). For the first time in a while we watched a movie again, now we watched La vita è bella. It's a very nice and touching movie, with a beautiful theme. I really enjoyed the movie. Afterwards we had a talk about the theme and the war in Iraq and things like that.
And then we spent some firework-moments in the couch... And tomorrow we are going to the sea for a swim and to lie in the sun.

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13-07-03

Dancing away...

Well, well, what a nice day today. Ruben adapted a few things to my new wheelchair, and we tried the wheelchair out by dancing all afternoon. Wheelchair dancing. It's funny, it's nice. I guess we found a common hobby. We even talked about entering a club of wheelchair dancing. The more I think about it, the more I like it. I'm really going to look out for a good club we can join. This would be some dream...
Click here to see our whole photoshoot

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11-07-03

Better off.

I guess I could have chosen a better moment to feel this miserable, maybe when he is away, then I have every reason to feel miserable.  If it were about choosing off course.
But I've decided that Ruben can come, because I'm used to feeling this miserable anyway.  I just can't, unlike Ruben, stop letting our recent problems get to me.  They are always on my mind.  Sometimes I feel like this that if my mind was mixed, it wouldn't make any difference to my stat of mind afterwards.
It would feel so liberating to me if I could just run into death with my arms open wide.  Everything is a burden and every little thing bothers me.
I feel like being a burden to myself.  I am so boring, so annoying.  I wouldn't like to be with myself today.  I want to do scream therapy, screaming till I drop, that just sound wonderful now.  But instead of screaming I'm writing this down, very ssilently, while the ice-cream car is playing that irritating song.  I'd like a quiet and passive day...

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I go on.

I slept, I woke up and I carried on.
This world was never meant to be for me.  I'm not as human as others, or maybe I'm more human than others, I don't know.  Where to draw the line anyway?
I don't want to see Ruben today.  There is so much going through my mind.  Everything is too much for me.  It's all not meant for me anyway.  I can't be happy with something that is so much more better than me, no way, because I've never deserved it either.
I want to be alone, nobody around, in the darkness.
I don't feel like answering Ruben's sms-es, I need to be alone in mind too.
I'm going away for a few hours, but this afternoon I'll write some more down.  Maybe then it will be more coherent what I'll write down.  Now, I'm going before I start crying.

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I could be a better person, I know.

A lot on my mind.  Little things, bigger things, stupid things and not so stupid things.
First of all, there is Thomas.  Ruben is going on a holiday with him but he and his parents don't want Ruben to sms me.  That's just fine by me, but Thomas then isn't welcome here!  What are they thinking, that this is some childish relationship?
It's going to be some hard three weeks from next Friday on, with Ruben going on a holiday with his parents and then on a holiday with Thomas.
Then there is that thing with my cat.  I love him and loving him is a part of me.  I could never ever be me without loving Mica.  And thare is no way I could stay alive without him.  I can shout to him and stuff, but that won't mean he'll love me any less.  Ruben implicates that sentence on himself too.  I'm not perfect and I never claimed to.
I think I need some time without him to think about it.  I don't want to be hearing all the time that everyone else is better.
And other stuff, everything and everyone is bothering and irritating me.
I'm going to bed anyway, hoping that sleep will anaestetize my feelings for a few hours, so that tomorrow I can carry the burden on.

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10-07-03

Can't take this much longer.

I'm not worth a thing, I'm not even worth being with Ruben.  I want things I can't get, while I get already more than I could have ever deserved.  I was never supposed to fall in love with a human, because I always long more.  If only I could sleep forever.  Today, I slept all day with Ruben next to me.  I had this terrible migraine and I just needed to get a lot of rest.  It was a couple of awful last days and I knew I still had to pay price someday.
My new wheelchair arrived today.  But I can't help not being that happy about it.

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09-07-03

Sexual education?

Come on.  Nowadays, everybody should be open about sex.  For example, yesterday evening Ruben's father was using the word potence.   Ruben's sister of 12 asked to her mum what potence is.  She said that dad would explain it to her.  He said thet potence is the man's power, which off course is a bit true but not fully.  If they use that kind of words when 12 year olds are listening, then they should be given a proper explanation, otherwise they shouldn't use that word.  Moreover, when a 12 year old thinks of the man's power, they immediately think of armpower and stuff, and that is not true.
I mean, sex is far of a taboo nowadays, in contrary to death, though that is becoming less and less a taboo.  Sex is not dirty, death isn't either, it's just that they find it difficult to talk about it properly.  And as to sex, some people feel guilty they are enjoying it.

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08-07-03

Leave me alone a bit.

Yesterday was good, Ruben and I spent an afternoon at the beach.  Though we were sitting on whatever we came along, like two zombies.
Today I'm empty, I'm scared, I'm tired and I've got a huge headache.  All because of what happened the last few day.  It totally freaked me out.  I'm kind of feeling dead and I can't think of anything more I can do.  I feel like jumping into the water, and never again coming out of it.
All shit!

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07-07-03

I need a break.

Saturday evening Ruben and me went talking to his parents, cause they didn't want to go to the Youth Advice Centre to talk with us.  I felt that needed to be done, Ruben was scared of the consequences though.  Nobody - none of the two sides - reached a thing, but eventually I think it has been the best thing we could do on that momennt, and there were no bad consequences  anyway, unless the fact that I ended the discussion by crying and hyperventilating for half an hour.  Pretty dumbest thing that could happen to me, huh?  I couldn't help it, I was under too much tension and it brought me on the verge, though his parents stayed polite and stuff.  I felt sick the whole evening, I mean, this wasn't needed to happen.  I felt very idiotic, hyperventilating and stuff.
Anyway, after all, well though the talk didn't get us anywhere, I still think it was a good thing to do.  And after talking to them I realize even more that he'll just have to break with his parents, so by acting that childish she will eventually lose her son.  His parents are so conservative and not willling to discuss quite normal things or not even the consequences of this absurd behaviour.
So, Ruben is going away for ten days with his parents, because they find him too babyisch to stay home alone, which off couse isn't true because I would't have fallen in love with a babyish guy.
I knew it already, but now his mum spoke the words to me.  She can't and won't ever give her aproval of our relationship, because - the stupidest thing indeed - I am so much older than her son.  I mean, I'd say to her that she should get used to it and if she decides not to, then she should just back off.  She also claimed that he's much less creative than before, because he spends most of his time here.  Ok, is he condemned to be creative?  People's intrests change and anyway, did she ever think that maybe he comes to me so much because he might indeed like me?  She also said that she had a path in mind her son needed to go along with, and now he is walking beside it because he is dating me.  Enough of this shit, I think you get the situation.
But, whatever  happens, it just makes our love stronger.  And, for the next while we'll try to stay calm and relax and enjoy the holiday.
- End of plea -

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Sex is not a crime.

Ruben and me found the only legal way that people will leave our relationshp alone.  If he gets me pregnant, after nine months nobody can force him not to stay with his baby and the mother day and night.  But off course this is not the way we willl solve things.  It could be a lovely thought though, since I want babies before I'm 25.

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06-07-03

I will be the first.

Johan braught up an excellent idea.  Next week, my mum, Ruben and me should go the police and make a statement that we won't do any illegal stuff and when he's here, it's his own free will.  And then, the police may come to get him, but we could then legally prove what has happened.  Johan also gave me a phone number, where they give juridical advice on the phone.  Johan is also trying to inform in as many services as possible.
Today I got annoying migraine, because I was upset because of that stupid mother he's got.  I was angry, I could have exploded.  I swear that if she were here, I would have shouted to her.  I was trembling of anger.  And she simply rejected to go talking to the Youth Advice Centre with us.  It is obviously bad will of her side.
It is all going to be so bad and his mum idn't even ashamed in it, while she holds all the lines.  Two things: or she does not care about her family, or she doesn't look at what the consequences can be.   I know it's not the first one, it'is the second, but she even doesn't want to talk about the concequences that might be.

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