26-07-03

What a draggy day.

I drag myself around the house, all damn day long. I feel alone, and lonely too. Ruben is coming back late tomorrow night though. I want to 'talk' to him, but I can't find a thing to sms him about, but a 'I miss you. I don't know what I feel about tomorrow. Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I thought about having babies, suicide and dying in general. I'm so sad. I'm dispassionateless too.
Yesterday evening, Johan told me about this years' studyclasses to Tunesia, or maybe it was last year. The funniest and most interesting was silent all the time, and never drinking any alcohol. He was staring at the sea all the time. Johan asked him why he didn't seem to have fun. He answered that he was missing his girlfriend too much... I can imagine that boy's feelings at that time. However, for some reason, I don't think Ruben would act that way too, but like always, I could be wrong. It tears me apart when I think about it. I don't ever want to have that feeling. I don't think I'd cope. For that reason I am questioning my relationship with Ruben. Can't help it, I'm so scared.

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