I guess I could have chosen a better moment to feel this miserable, maybe when he is away, then I have every reason to feel miserable.  If it were about choosing off course.
But I've decided that Ruben can come, because I'm used to feeling this miserable anyway.  I just can't, unlike Ruben, stop letting our recent problems get to me.  They are always on my mind.  Sometimes I feel like this that if my mind was mixed, it wouldn't make any difference to my stat of mind afterwards.
It would feel so liberating to me if I could just run into death with my arms open wide.  Everything is a burden and every little thing bothers me.
I feel like being a burden to myself.  I am so boring, so annoying.  I wouldn't like to be with myself today.  I want to do scream therapy, screaming till I drop, that just sound wonderful now.  But instead of screaming I'm writing this down, very ssilently, while the ice-cream car is playing that irritating song.  I'd like a quiet and passive day...