30-06-03

I believe in miracles.

Awesome.  Can't find another word to describe today...
Ruben and I spent a fantastic picknick at the channel.  The sun was shining, it was very hot over there this noon.  And tthe place was so beautiful and silent.  Just the best spot to have a romantic picknick.
This afternoon we spent in his house, his room, his bed.  He's got an incredible endurence.  Every woman should be satisfied by him, but I'm so lucky because he's only mine.  And I love him mre than anyone has ever loved someone before.  He's all mine and I'm all his.
In the evening, I helped him to cook some spaghetti and stuff for us.  It was nice.  We ended up with a great Amaretto for booth of us.
When we came back to my house, we went to my room and well, Ruben was quite tipsy.  Though he drunk less than me and my glass was finished first.  But for the rest of the night, he was great fun.
We ended up in some sort of emotional conversation.  The bottom line is that we'll always love eachother.

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28-06-03

Wondermeds.

This medication truly is wonderful.  I'm going to lower my dose, though I already take half a dose.  We'll see if the good effect continues.  And I'll probably be less sleepy too.  But already after a few days the effect is better than anyone could have convinced me of.  The best medication anyone could have.   And I am so disappointed in the doctors that none of them gave me the idea of trying this out.
Two days ago I got a letter that stated that I aam disabled no longer.  That was schrieking!  I sit in a wheelchair, who would ever think I am disabled, maybe an idiot like me.  Damn papers, I wonder if I should send them a picture of me.  Unbelievable.
Well, people already know I am kind of jealous.  It is absolutely not that I don't want him to have fun.  It's more that I feel co-dependant of him.  I'm even dependant on him just to have fun myself.   That's why I need him around as much as possible.

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27-06-03

Make her come to her senses.

I hate feeling so relaxed so that I'm not able to feel any emotion.
I think I'm going psychotic, I almost fell asleep again next to Ruben this night.  It felt like ten days I had to wake up.  It would feel so very blissful when I actually may fall asleep in his arms and stay there all night long.  It's like I have a lack of concience of reality.
I sleep so very deep lately.
Ruben's mum is being extremely difficult towards their family's holiday and our relationship-stuff off course.  Time to act and really do something against it, I suppose.  It is so mentally fatiguing fighting against her.  I don't know what to write about it, I really don't want to think of it.  I'm so sick of hearing about her.  What should I do, I don't know anymore.  He even is forbidden to stay the night with me, while sex already has happened.  Goddamn, he's not a baby.  All of her attitude towards us is sickening.  You couldn't i:magine how babyish this all feels like.
I'm going to my lonely bed now.  Sleep well.

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25-06-03

Going to explode.

There is no way my brain works right now.  I feel so tired.  I almost fell asleep for ten times in Ruben's arms.  On the one hand this lame feeling doesn't feel so bad, so very much relaxed.  On the other hand, too relaxed to feel alive enough.  Quite nice to feel so braindead.
Oh, well, there should be days like this I guess.   Days when things don't seem to go as right as they normally would.
That thing with Ruben's mum is starting to get on my nerves.  So she said to him that she only is friendly to me because she feels forced by him.  Great!  Now I really feel like enjoying myself over there.
Ruben feels like running away very much, and tomorrow before noon he is going to talk to Mia again.
Sometimes it just would be so much easier to siply have all my feelings cut off.  Sometiùes it feels so terriblee to have feelings.  I get on my nerves too.  I often have the urge to be a sleeping beauty, and when I wake up everything would be alright.

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Disconnection.

I'm a bit washed out, I think it's the Lioresal.  The doctor said that would be pretty normal, anyhow, that might be part of the relaxing effect.  But seriously, on the road back to home with my handbike I didn't say much, I'm so fatigued.
I sent a mail to the immo office because I want to speak to the owner of t hat studio.  I just want to tell him a few of my ideas, because since nothing is installed yet it is the perfect time to try and convince the owner off making a few adaptations for life.  I'd also like to see the space inside, to get an idea if it's going to be large enough for me.  But I think so, because my wheelchair is very small.
When Ruben and I were biking back to my home, we bumped in to Anneleen (you see, she'd have seen me after all).  So, my first impression wasn't so good.  but  it's like Ruben leads two lifes, one with friends of his age and one with me, and actually I'm a bit doubting of witch he likes the most.  Well, off cours he likes this way too, because he happens to love me.  But when we see soeone he knows, he just talks and talks and he enjoys it, but there is no word that I can say, because there is nothing I know about what he talks about with them.  I think he'd really miss that if he didn't have that anymore.  If he didn't have me anymore, he'd mos t likely get over it after a while.
He is really showing me Aalter bit by bit, and I like it, it's just a pitty that I don't heve friends of my age around here.  But Aalter is ok already.
He's there, making fun, I'm here, waiting my turn to have fun...

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We'll marry on his 18th birthday.

We went to the mutuality, the doctor and to an immo office.  We sort of will be the first of renters when we move in that studio.  It looks great, bu it  won't be finished before the first of September.  They have the rooms, but they should still place the kitchen and the bathroom and stuff.  That's good, so it'll be new furnitured and stuff.  Right in the centre of Aalter, it couldn't be better.  And cat are aloud!  Sounds incredible.
The mutuality is ok too.  The man is so nice, he made me think of cute Bert Anciot.
At the doctor I got the prescriptions I needed, forgot to ask one thing though, but that's not so important actually.  I started that Barclofen or Lioresal muscle relaxant tonight.  Quite anxious to see it work.  Is it possible that I already feel a bit less tension?  Anyway, I hope my first medication ever is going to be alright.
Ruben and me had a great park-moment too!
Anyway, his mum is still friendly to me, but at home it must be terrible for Ruben.  How can she even think or believe she's going to get her own way?  Does she want to see her son unhappy?  I'm never going to give up on him, neither is he going to give up on me.  We love eachother and nobody or nothing is ever coming between that.

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24-06-03

Exams finished, trouble starts.

Ruben passed for his exam in the musicschool.  Afterwards we enjoyed ourselves being together.  Then he got home, and well, that his mum is a bit against our relationship is nothing new.  But ok, she treats her oldest son like a baby, he's 16.  I mean, what's her damn problem?  Whatever she does, I won't be getting any younger and Ruben won't stop loving me because of whatever she says.  The more stupid things she does or says, the more I dislike her attitude in general.  Well, she does what she want, but I just know that it wont turn out the best for her.
(Ruben is here, I'll finnish later)

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23-06-03

Acceptance

My mum has no other argument than this one.  And she keeps on repeating it, fight after fight, and she believes it too.  She claims I don't accept myself being in a wheelchair.  Has anyone ever heard me complaining of being in this wheelchair?  I don't think so.  The fact that she keeps on repeating it, it makes me think that maybe she is the one who doesn't accept her daughter having a progressive disease and needing a wheelchair.  But her acceptance of me doesn't matter to me anymore.  I just wish she'd shut her big mouth.  All that matters to me is the fact that I completely accept myself, it's only somewhat harder to deal with it's progressiveness, it's harder but not insummountable, and I deal with that too alright.  And, by the way, there is nobody with some progressive disease that would state that progressiveness is easy.  But anyway, dealing with progressiveness has not a lot to see with accepting your disease.
My eyes are progressive too, does that bother her?
Hell, even she has prejudices about me.  She'd better face it.
But, anyway, I want to move out this summer and when I do, she can do whatever she wants, it won't bother me anymoe.  I'm fleeing.

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Frustration!

It's not that much I'm going to ask the doctor.  First I need some more prescriptions for the anticonception pill and then I also will ask if he could prescribe me a muscle relaxant, like Barclofen or Zanaflex, I think I need such a thing.
I feel so damned today, don't know why.  Well I do, I feel so damn frustrated in this house, I will not call this my house anymore, because nobody sees it that way anyway.
I'm going to look to some more immo-sites and stuff now.
I'm far too busy this week to do ridiculous things.  People should leave me alone this week!

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22-06-03

I simply can't breathe at my so-called home.

Why do I have a mum who enjoys hurting me?  I do hate the way she does to me.  I'd rather have her admitting I'm blasphemous than hear her babling the stupidest things.  I'm ten times more angry with her than I can show right now.  I'm trying to stay somewhat calm, I'm trembling of forcing myself to stay calm.  I can't help being so angry, I feel so powerless, I just know that she feels so strong and powerful.  Staying for another few months in this damned family would literally kill me, I would end up killing myself and this time it would be for real.  I want fo live, but only with Ruben at my side, if he'd leave me, I'd absolutely have no left faith in life anymore.  Feelings don't lie, no matter the age and we both know that this could be the real thing.  But staying at home is absolutely no option, I hate living with a family, with me as an outsider.  I don't find it worth to waste my writing to such a person.  Yes, I have a lot against her, but I don't even think it's worth to tell her what I think, also because she only thinks she's right and also because she doesn't ever listen to me.
Tuesday I'm going to the doctor with Ruben and then to my mutuality.  I have to write some stuff down that I shouldn't forget asking the doctor.

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Ooh let me have it, let me grab your soul away.

Ruben cried tonight, so sweet.  It's because of an ex of me, my first true love.  But that's as far as it goes, he's an ex among my other exes.  I don't love him, I almost never think of him, that's true!  He's only my most beautiful memory of an ex, a memory but nothing more.  Ruben means so much more to me than Bart ever did.  I have never felt this madly in love before, like I do now with Ruben.  I realize that when Ruben stays with me, he'll never have a second time a true love, but if our love keeps stilling eachother's hunger, we will never need another true love.  Ruben is the sweetest boy I know, the most emotional and beautiful one in every way.  The first one that isn't only sexually attracted to me.  The first one who really loves me for who I am and for who I'm not, and the first one who sticks to my take me as I am sentence.  I love him, truly, madly, deeply.  He is the one and only for me, I'm so lucky to have him as my lover.  Though, he is unfortunately in love with me too, and he deserves better than I am.

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21-06-03

My one dream, my only master.

This afternoon Ruben and I were looking for an apartment for me/us on the internet.  We found one not too far away.  Let's hope that I like it when I see it.  The best thing is that it has a nice garden.  I like making plans, but now the time has come to stick to it.  And it's in the centre, close to the market.  I have some questions first, so I'll mail around a bit.

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Unexpected half-annoying day.

Well...  Quite a... oh well, can't find the right word to describe it.  Anyway, Ruben came after his exam, everybody happy and stuff.  After a little hour the door rang.  I never expect anyone but Ruben and I have no local friends of my age with who I hang out, so, basically, I had no idea at all who it was.  Turned out it were Ruben's classmates.  Arian and Anneleen.  I know arian, so I don't mind at all when he comen.  Anneleen, I don't know her and I don't it's necessary  for me to know her and for her to see me.  It's only a week ago that Ruben told her something I wanted her to know, namely that I don't want to see her before we accidentally bump in to eachother because I don't want to be qualty-checked and so.  I don't think Arian knew about that and anyway, about him I find it really nice he came, and I even think that I wouldn't mind if he passed by with someone I didn't know.  But it was her, she wanted to see me anyhow and I didn't, and she still came though she knew.  I don't like to forced, certainly not concerning seeing her...  She was mostly talking to Ruben anyway and mostly about things about school, things tgat I couldn't talk about.
Secondly, there was an other visit, and this time solely for Ruben, it was Thomas off course.  He was trying to convince Ruben of something.  But anyway, he shouldn't even come around here only for Ruben (unless if I agree, not for me either).  I mean, Ruben doesn't live here, he just spends most of his time here.  Like I'd go to someone's house if I wouldn't know them, just because I'd want to see if my friend was there..
I wish that for once someone would ring the doorbell, just to say :  Hello Jody, how are you?  But since I don't have any local friends of my age, that won't be a thing to come.
But our afternoon was great and retty hot too, we went to the Italin for dinner and we completed the evening with an emotional chat.
Life's hard, making some decisions are hard too, that's something to sleep about, I think.
Sweet dreams.

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20-06-03

About the suffocating.

Ruben is coming for the day, yesterday I changed my mind again, so he could come over but it was ok.
I wish to point my readers out that this is my personal journal, so I'll write ebout what I want to, and no, I won't keep my opinions to myself.
It's kind of true about the suffocating.  But well, I can't change that and moreover, I don't even want to change that.  I realize that it scares some people off, but I think that I wouldn't be myself anymore otherwise.  And so I can only be with someone who doesn't mind that my love will keep controlling my life.  I don't mind either, as long as he doesn't leave me.  I'd do anything with a pleasure.  I'd even be happy to be his puppet on a string.
It seems to be obvious to others that we love eachother, that's good, because it is so true.

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19-06-03

Buckets!

For once my mum actually cooked for me this afternoon and it was very good.  Most of the time I get meals that you can by in the store, sometimes she makes something apart by it.  But it was too much for one meal, so I left the half of it over.  And Johan threw it away...  I think it will take ages before she cooks for me again when I am alone.  I want to go eating out.  This is another drop in my bucket.  There are so many drops, my bucket must be leaking.
Anyway, that's only my frustration of the moment, don't worry.  But the bucket is real though.

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Puppet on a string.

Why should it always be me?  Why do I always have to give in?  Why should I be weak because of my love for Ruben?  If I think he shouldn't come, but if he wants to come anyway, I always give in.  A while ago he sms-ed he couldn't come when he said, I replied that he didn't have to bother coming at all.  He replied and said that he will call me later today, but I don't want to hear him either.  I know that he will want to come tonight, and I also know that I'd better not give in.  And if he is still going away tomorrow afternoon, then I don't want to see him any sooner than tomorrow evening.  It's hard for me not to give in, but my love for hi makes me going along with wat hever he wants.  I could even say that he neutralizes my opinion all the time.  If this will go on much longer I think that the relationship will be history.  Not that I want that, but I really hate the things that ARE and things that AREN'T going on right now.

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Talking silent.

I have a bursting headache, not migraine.  It really was quite an evening that Ruben and me spent together.  Wait, I'm going to drink some coke first, maybe that helps...  My head still hurts, but anyway, he just sent two sms-es but I'm not replying, I wouldn't know what to reply and replying I love you seems too cliché to me now.  But, I'll wake him up again at 6 AM.
We lay next to eachother on my bed - I find lying a comfortable position, especially when having a close talk.  About the holiday period nothing changed, I still don't want him to go, especially because I believe him when he says that he doesn't want to go himself either.
We lay there on my bed for a long time without saying anything.  I thought a lot, and the most stupid thing kept coming to my mind: I'm too ugly for him.  I have a lot of complexes about myself, that many that I wouldn't be surprised if that would draw me to suicide sometime.  But I'd think that's a silly reason myself.  I'd rather kill myself for some more justified reason.
We talked about making appointments and about looking to eachother's appointments and stuff.  Try to follow me for a moment: during the day I have Mica and my journal.  I can't write all the time in my journal, well, I do write a lot.  And I can't cuddle Mica all day, I mean, a cat has its own way.  But he, in contrary, has everything to do during the day, I don't claim there never is a moment when he dreams away, but he hasn't got the time that his thinking will get to him because he is far too busy with other things. I don't blame him.  I only want one thing: him.  He wants a lot, apart from me, he wants a life.  He's got loads of friends, loads of things to try out and a mass of paths to go...  I don't, I only need and want him.
Heidi today read a story in the newspaper, it was about a missing girl.  That girl and her boyfriend lived in an institution for the under aged.  It seems that that girl and boy had escaped and lived hidden with the boy's mum.  But the legal service found out about it and now they've been forbidden to see eachother before they're 18 years old.  But the young lovers promised to wait for eachother.  Isn't that pure love or what?
Today, I was sent the bill for my wheelchair brakes, a good €242.  Pff, well, those things are becoming far too commercial...
This afternoon I cried, when I was watching an emotional part of my favourite soap Neighbours.  It felt good, my cry.

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18-06-03

Cheerful?

Haven't really slept that well, but that has nothing to do with waking Ruben up at 6 AM.
I'm thinking of last night and Ruben.  We had some great time together.  Because I, for once, was so cheerful, it would have been quite stupid to waste that by talking about our problem of the holiday to come.
By tonight my cheerfulness will have calmed down, so we'll try and talk about it tonight.
I love him, I wish he were so small that I could put him in my pocket (ok, you have a point there, I'd wear more clothes) so that I could give him a kiss every minute.

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17-06-03

The wow-feeling!

I sent a mail to proximus to ask them something - it was a while ago since I mailed them - and well, they called me up, again.  I'm famous at proximus :)!
And I just saw that my journal is promoted on the homepage of Skynet, the title is Twinkle twinkle little star!  Skynet is my internet provider.  I'm all excited about it, so it must be that my journal is fascinating, like I said before :).  Right?

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Houseflies, un-irritateble!

I wish I were a housefly, they just never seem to get irritated by anyone at any time.  In the contrary, I get irritated very fast by people who make an awful first impression.  They have to do a lot before I forget that completely.  But a housefly, there have been flying here about two for a few days now.  They irritate the hell out of me!  No matter what I do, trying to hit them or shaking whatever they're sitting on they just don't seem to get irritated by me (cause they still won't go away).  It makes me feel even more irritated!  Damn houseflies!

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Control me.

Last night I got a mail of a young girl  who is so totally my type.  Freya'd like her too.  They could say that I'm living on the dark side, but that's only a statement from the point you look at it, I think my points of vieuw are very educational and fascinating, that is, to me as well as to others.  She mailed me one sentence that becomes seemly suitable to me as well: I can't live without him, it's like he controls my life (It isn't his fault, it's just that I let him control it because of my love for him).  Concerning Ruben, I feel the same way.  Though this feeling of being in control concerning love does not always feel very good.   It's not possible to do anything else but constantly thinking of him and waiting for him.  In psychology it's called co-dependency...

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16-06-03

Ready or not.

Ruben and me had some quite upsetting phone calls from each other.  Tomorrow evening we're going to talk it over.  I just want him not to go away with his parents.  The least bit that is not ok with me, now makes me freak.  All stupid things happen, but it's getting too much, it's annoying me with some hateful feeling, watching me to blow up all stuff in everybody's face.  I don't feel ok, I feel upset.
Ruben mailed me this beautiful song tonight:

Bette Midler - The Rose

 

Some say love, it is a river

That drowns the tender reed.

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed.

Some say love, it is a hunger,

An endless aching need.

I say love, it is a flower,

And you it's only seed.

 

It's the heart, afraid of breaking,

That never learns to dance.

It's the dream, afraid of waking,

That never takes a chance.

It's the one who won't be taken,

Who cannot seem to give.

And the soul, afraid of dying,

That never learns to live.

 

When the night has been too lonely,

And the road has been too long,

And you think that love is only

For the lucky and the strong,

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snows,

Lies the seed, that with the sun's love,

In the spring becomes the rose


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Is the world going nuts, or is it just me?

My music is on repeat, it's They're coming to take me away ha-haa.  After listening for a while that song, you really go freaking out.  I like doing things that keep me at the border of insanity.  That's just so fascinating.
If Ruben may be going on a holiday, I can go on a holiday too sometime.  I mean, I'm not going to adapt to his family's plans.  If they are going whenever they please, I'll do whathever I want too.  I don't always want to be the one that always is here whenever one needs me.  Well, people will have to live with that from now on.  I have a way of wanting things too.  Especially when I'm drawn to one corner and feel that I have to obbey the 'orders' of other people, I like doing just the opposite.  So, just take my advice and live with it!  The only problem is finding someone who is willing and cunning to go with me.  I guess Davy is going to spend his summer with Cara, and I don't think Heidi will find the money, we'll see.
Ruben asked if he could stay here in August.  His mum said that he had to ask that to Mia whether that's normal or not.  Quite funny.  I mean, a mum sshould make decisions by herself about the raising of her child.  This sentence is quite ridiculous because it seems like she's giving her responsability about raising away to Mia.  Maybe something to think about.

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15-06-03

As mental as can be.

What the hell is happening to my mind?  It's not usual, it just is mad.  I think things, I do things and I dream things, but I always seem to miw these up, so it's difficult for me to make a difference between reality and illusions there.  This is the most difficult thing for me.  I always seem to contradict myself, but in real it's just that I change my mind.
I keep on dreaming of our house, our garden, our children...  It just has got to come true.
I said that Ruben is hot?  Sorry, I was mistaken, he's INCREDIBLY hot!  I love him, I can't say it enough and it still doesn't express the feelings I'm feeling for him.  I want to squeeze him so tight.  I got it!  I WANT HIM TO BE MY BLANKET.
Today I got a mail of someone who read about me on my site.  He asked me, since I am half Scottish, whether I write in English to keep some distance from myself or whether it is because it's easier expressing feelings in English.  Keeping distance from myself is absolutely not the case.  In contrary, I want to approach myself as much as possiible.  So, indeed, it is because (for me) it is easier to express my feelings in English.  And since I love feeling feelings of all kinds, I love to express them in the most beautiful way.

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They're coming to take me away, ha-haa!

I am feeling fhis for several months now: when someone rings at the door or rings on the phone, I get all tensed up, like something terrible is going to happen.  It's like that song: There coming to take me away, haha.  Since I read that sentence for the last time, I am feeling really paranoia about this.

I don't EVER want  to be compared to ANYONE, I'm far too unique for that.  Don't ever tell me I act like someone you know, cause I have my own and unique reasons for acting the way I do.  And moreover, it is nobody else's business how I act like and why I act like it.  If people don't like it, then they should ignore me.  It's even not their business how I feel like.  If I want to feel depressed, let me feel like that, but NEVER tell me how I should feel cause it's nobody else's damn business but mine.  I happen to llove feeling strong emotions, whethe people like it or not, whether they accept it or not.

I feel like Dr. Demento writes in his They're coming to take me away, ha-haa:

 

Remember when you ran away and I got on my knees and begged you not to
leave because I'd go berserk?? Well...
You left me anyhow and then the days got worse and worse and now you see
I've gone completely out of my mind.. And..

They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa
To the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be
happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!!!

You thought it was a joke and so you laughed, you laughed when I had said
that loosing you would make me flip my lid.. RIGHT???
I know you laughed, I heard you laugh, you laughed you laughed and
laughed and then you left, but now you know I'm utterly mad...
And.
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you pay me back
for all my kind unselfish loving deeds.. Huh??
Well you just wait, they'll find you yet and when they do they'll put you
in the ASPCA, you mangy mutt!!! And...
They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa.
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time and I'll be happy
to see those nice young men in their clean white coats and they're coming
to take me away, ha-haaa!!!
To the happy home, with trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haa!!!
To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time...

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But nothing impressed me at all, I never expected it to...

"I don't give a damn if you don't like me, cause I don't like you, cause you're not like me." (Bloodhound gang)  But it does express how I feel a lot.  So I actually don't care what people think or say about me, only few people who know me will understand why I do or don't do certain things, and as the others is concerned, they'll only say that I'm rude and stuff.  But well, whoever doesn't try to understand me, is not worth for me to know and for them to know me.
Sometimes I feel like saying very much very important stuff, but sometimes something - I don't know what - makes me shut up for long, very long moments.  And I can't force myself to say anything, cause I think I'd just start crying.  I do need to be alone sometimes,  you can compare it with the air we need to breathe.
Where would I be without Ruben.  There is no solution for love, but to love more.  If it wasn't for him, I would be some ghost or I would at least just lead my miserable, dumb life. Or maybe some psychiatric institution would be taking care of me and then I wouldn't have to be responsible for my own life, they would be responsible for it.  This also would be the result if he left me.
I state that his mum will keep on pushing us and that we will have a difficcult month in July.  I made schemes for Ruben, not to get credit from her, but anyway doesn't that prove that I want him to study?  Though this all sounds quite absurd.  I don't even know if, certainly how it is like now, well, if I still want to have a threesome-chat.

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14-06-03

Babynames.

I've been busy reasearching babynames that I like, and would probably consider giving my child.  There still are names in my list that I prefer over others.  The names that I found today are:

  • Chandra = moonlight, girl
  • Luna = the moon, girl
  • Shashi or Shashini = moonlight or belonging to the moon, girl
  • Astra = star, girl
  • Amber = the amber gemstone and it's color, girl
  • Margot = pearl, girl
  • Ruby = the red gemstone, girl
  • Alana = precious, girl
  • Ariana = silver, girl
  • Auriel = gold, girl
  • Manon = a French, nickname of Madeleine and Marie, girl
  • Morgan = Celtic, a Welsh expression meaning "circling sea", girl 
  • Cody = Celtic, a Gaelic expression meaning "helper", girl or boy
  • Dylan = Celtic, a Welsh expression meaning "son of the sea", boy
  • Mona = Celtic, a Gaelic expression meaning "dignified", girl
  • Laurie = an English name meaning "the Laurel shrub", girl
  • Beau or Bo and Belle = a French expression meaning "handsome", boy and girl
  • Amy = an Old French expression maening "beloved one", girl
  • Hope = based on the English word, wishful anticipation or expectation, girl
  • Ilaria and Ilario = it's source is Hilarius, the male Latin name for "cheerful", girl and boy

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13-06-03

I am sick of being ready to die, how about being ready to live?

Anneleen (still don't know her, and don't plan to know her very soon - and no, I haven't got anything against her AT ALL, but like everybody knows I am an incredible difficult and annoying person), anyway she wanted to come over just to say hello, I was eating so I answered no (and more, I wasn't fullly dressed and my looked like a mee, why you ask, well naturally because Ruben had played with me :)).  I only wish she'd just wait till we meet accidentally, like last week when we bumped in to Thomas.  Maybe Ruben'd better tell her I said that.  I don't know.  I am unlike others are, I'm not social, I'm a bit scared of people to tell the truth.  If I want to, and that doesn't happen often, to meet someone I will make it more than clear and when I don't to I will make it more than clear also.  But, act ually, I can't think of any reason why she has to see me.  I'm not a present handed from one person toanother.  And I don't need a quality-check I think.    Others would then say I'm crazy.  I let them.
This afternoon we wer lying in bed, naked and suddenly we heard two girls shouting to Ruben.  I think it needs no further explanation why didn't go outside to have a chat with them :).
And by the way, we found our favorite position - that is, up to now - it's a bit difficult, but definately worth it, especially when you felt the result.  It's quite hot.
We also keep on making plans for after the exams and during the summer's holiday.    It is going to be so fantastic.  But I keep on trying to figute out how I should move to Gent though.
Oh, in case I forgot to mention: Ruben's mum didn't want to talk, so I guess this isn't going to work out like I hoped it would.

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12-06-03

Night falls fast.

I called my sweety up and he told me I was ten minutes too late, lolz.  I'm going to wake him up tomorrow morning at 6, by a call off course.  When his exams of that day are finishe, we're going to eat something in my house.  And he's going to frie an egg)  Yes, I really want to be there when he does that :).  Anyway we're going to spend the whole afternoon together, and probably also the evening.  I think it'll be nice and sunny again, maybe we can try out the new pool (I won't mention the word swimming in front of it, because for that it is just a bit too small.
I think I'll make my way too my bed, just to think a bit and also, I am a bit tired and well my alarm will go off at six, but anyway, waking people up is quite funny :).

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We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control!

I finally got my blog how I wanted it to be.  Now the world (well, as far as my true readers go - and well, I happen to know that those exist in humanity) can comment all they want on my each and every entry in this most fascinating journal amongst humanity.  That was quite a sentence.
So, apart from Ruben's visit I did something else useful today, such as this.
What Ruben and I did this afternoon was also useful off course.  though I think we need some more experimenting.  You know, to keep the relationship alive (very alive I mean :)).  A swing in the positions could do the trick :).  Anything would be ok for me, I'm willing too try anything that comes to mind :).
It's funny, though it are exams, Ruben is aloud to come and visit (properly said) me more than when he's just got classes.
I questioned myself why for goodness sake I would want to go back to the university.  I just think for me it's just like for others: we want to know it all, so we can prove people we're intellectual.  We only want a diplom to show others how dumb the are.  Well, I'm not going to go simply along with that.  If I want to learn something, I'll just go reading about the subject.  I don't need no proof on a paper that I know stuff.
I don't think yet to go to the doctor to get a prescription for antidepressants.  Even if I haven't tried some, I'll state I'm better off without them.  For now...

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