I will be back.

I've got some great news. Nicole (a friend of mine who wirks for the police) ands her friend Paulus (who is a social worker at the police) came over to talk with us tonight. They are prepared to help us out in any way they can. Ruben gave his parents the contact information of Paulus and their reaction was the best one until now - they said It's ok, we will need all the help we can get. And I sincerely hope that this means they will call him soon to arrange an appointment. We'll see though, and I pray this will be the beginning of the solution.
Tomorrow we wil go to some friends of my family (Mieke andTom) to ask them any juridical advice They have got a lot of contacts in the juridical world. It'll be ectremely good to have some kind of juridical advice. Nicole and Paulus said that I will win in the end - that it's only a matter of patience.
I have hurted Ruben's parents by writing this journal, ok, I do realise that the truth hurts and surely when you see it black on white. But I will never apologize for writing my opinion on the internet, in public. I am sorry to have hurt her, but I'm not sorry for writing it down. I am sorry for the way she acted, insulted me and made me feel - bad enough to have written it down. Though, I need an apologize of her because she gosspped around and blackguarded me, that is the cause of what I did. I also expect an apology of Thomas, because he offended me (while never having the guts to tell it in my face) and Ruben so badly and making us feel like we are hated by everybody. Not that I really expect it. This is my word of sorry I put online, so Ruben's parents can read it.
Today we have had another real hard day. We have never wanted this. We even didn't have the energy to make it to the doctor. I am ashamed to tell you the way Ruben and me acted. Nothing like you could imagine. This afternoon we couldn't handle it no longe, Ruben said our relationship was history and I went screaming like cray and then I fell on the ground, on the stones before the door. Even some neighbours came to look if things were ok. I feel better now, but I have little energy left and heaps of emotions to handle
Ruben's mum went to the doctor to explain the whole situation - without us knowing it. She is going to try to convince the doctor Ruben is depressed because of me, I think. Now, the doctor expects us tomorrow, first he wants to talk to Ruben and then to the both of us. The doctor has to be silent towards Ruben's mum about whatever we tell the doctor, so I guess it might be a good thing. First, we are going to pass by Mieke and Tom's.
Such a tragic story this is
Yesterday Ruben was forced to go and talk with a teachr of him, Mia, his mum wanted her to convince him to leave me. But she told him what she thought - she also read my blog.- she told him that I was an excellent writer and that he never should give up on me if I make him happy. She even offered information on wheelchair dancing. Ruben's mum even told him that I am a good writer. I think I'll publish all of the volumes of my journal right before die, it'll be a bestseller - and when I'm dead they can sue my ashes for publishing it.
I have decided to buhy a Belgian domain name, to put my journal and everythhing online. I'm going to make it legal by entering a script that replaces all of the names by pseudonames. We're both working on a hell of a site. I am going to put all legal issues around online journalling on that site too. All your ideas on texts, legal issues, lay-out etcetera are welcome. Do not worry, Didi will be back (even if it is the last thing she does)!
Thank you again for the heaps of supporting mails again today.

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The truth is out there.

It should've been beautiful, Ruben and me are together for six months today. Forget it, I don't think things could be any worse. I found my energy again thanks to all my supporting readers of course.
Let me write down what happened.
The day started with Ruben coming way too late to my house. So, I called him and he was kind of being hysterical on the phone. It seemed that his parents were reading my journal since a week. Now, they want to takke my journal ax a legal issue, and they demand that 1/ the pictures of me and ruben will be deleted, 2/ they are mad and going crazy about the depressing and/or suicidal entries I write (I mean, it's my journal and I write about myself what I like), 3/ they will forbid me from naming Ruben, 4/ that my opinion about them is illegal (hey, get real, Belgium is a free country where anyone is entitled to have his peronal opinion) and 5/ they're close to forbidding Ruben and me from seeing each other. Another thing his parents did last week was inviting their friends and so to come read all about my journal, the funny thing is that they found it fascinating to read and of course extremely sensational. What the heck, ok so I put my journal offline, but viewable in RSS and on an invisible notify list, so I can keep my true readers posted. know that from 16 on you have a legal mouth, and that they can't force Ruben in any kind of way. Long live justtice. Tomorrow evening, we have an appointment with Nicole, somebody of the police know. We hope she'll give us some legal advice on what to do. Tomorrow we are also going to the doctor's to let him write something down on Ruben's depression. So that, if it ever would be necesary (probably) to go to court, he'll have some emational proof against his parents. Another thing is that we will call Special Youth Care to talk about teking this whole mess to court. It should also be legally possible to ask the judge for Ruben, who's 16, to have the right of an 18 year old.
Ruben's best friend came to my housedoor yesterday - while the gate was closed - Thomas came to tell ruben what a bad boy he was for loving me and missing me while they were on a holiday, he blackguarded me and he made Ruben break. It was bad, Ruben almost fainted, figurarily speaking. Seemed to be that Ruben's dad came to Thomas his parent to blackguard me about my journal. Indeed, a whole week long a fake grotesmurf - Ruben's nick - was spotted on my site, but we thought it was Ruiben's ex trying to tease me, but it seems that were his parents checking my journal over tenn times a day - the freaks. I don't believe there yet existss a word for that kind of low, sick and foolish people. But I call them conservatives. They ever are afraid of talking to me on the phne, asking for Ruben, and then giving him a message to tell me.
Feel free to place comments on my little chat (http://users.skynet.be/aphrodidi/temp.htm), please use nicknames when referring to people I've written about, you may se your real nickname though.
Now you'll have to excuse me, but I really need to get some sleep. I'll write some more tomorrow. I bed the paparazzi would kill people, just to have this sensational story. I'm busy with reading my journal over, to make it legal. If you are patient I will have my personal domain name and a completely legal and wonderful journal online up and running suite soon.
I give my love and appreciation to you all and I will keep my supporters in honour. I am so grateful.

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I'll just say this.

There do exist people who want to sue me for puttingg pictures of me and Ruben online and also for writing my blog. So, for the legal issue I'll be temporarily not available, but I'll be back. I have got a migraine, I need to puke, and the least I deserve is the time to make my blog disappear, because those people fucked me up and I don't feel up to it to do that. I'm on the verge of killing myself, I'm already broken. If I die, you know who to blame, please give me the time to put this offline. However, I am the winner, even ifI kill myself. Goodbye, and my sincere appreciation for all the support I got, you can always mail or call me,

13:18 Gepost door 0 | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |


This shitty story of people around us trying to break us up has already gotten a sequel. It is so schrieking to see some people making such a fool of themselves. People who come to my domailn to try to break my love with Ruben or try to blackguard even one of us in any kind of way ever again, I will kick out. I didn't do that today because I don't think it is up to me to interfere with Ruben's so-called friends. But since they seem to think they have every right to tell us what to do, I think it may be necesary to do that the next time. Today we found out the fifth group of people who are trying to destroy, first of all our relationship, and secondly our holiday. I'm simply sick of these kind of low people, and they can simply fuck off, because nothing on earth will ever destroy our love, it's stronger than ever. I don't feel hurted, I do stand above shitty people like that, as you allready knew of course. But be sure of it, it doesn't matter if we are forbidden to see eachother or something - though we obviously hope it'll never come to that - we have enough power and the right absolutely on our side to keep ourr love in honour. I just laugh that kind of people right in the face. I find it sad, and I feel compassion for them. Nobody is going to make Ruben harm himself. I understand Ruben's dillemma, but it's burning me out to hear people gossipping around about me, while blackguarding me. What on earth could ever be an excuse for saying that Ruben is a bad person, and that he follows me blindly, threatening to make things worse for us? No, I believe that people should stop figuring out the figures, and start respecting us and the love we share, and if they can't, what a pity for them.
I've told everybody before that I:

  1. will not appreciate any kind of interfering with my relationship, especially when it is in a sick way
  2. will never tolerate people or so-called friends destroying the one I love
  3. hate some people coming to my home when they haven't got an appointment with me and especially when they're not coming for me, but for Ruben - while he doesn't live here - to complain about me and to blackguard him
  4. write my journal as a form of expression therapy and that everything I write is my honest opinion about things, I do tolerate critiscism as long as they do not interfere with my life
  5. can't stand idiots

By the way, I found my comb, when taking a towel from a high place, so I was right, she put it there without taking my abillities in consideration - but that's the least of my worries now.

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It's my life.

First of all, all people that came in the house today, I kicked out in a friendly way of course.
Then I spilled some juice on my keyboard, which obviously could only happen to one as handy as me. Goddamn, and now I'm sitting behind our other PC, but my life, my writings, all of my stuff is on my other PC. And this one just isn't so comfortable for me. I can't type on this keyboard. I hate this, I've broken some five keyboards before this way.
Tomorrow afternoon Ruben is coming back. These eight days have been on the verge of unbearable for both of us. Hearing him so sad and everyone there is angry at him. So of course his parents will find that out, and we can only wait and see what happens next, like what his parents are going to find out next to break us up. Will there be a time when nobody will try to be in charge over our feelings? Why can't we fairy tale on? Is my love for him such a bad thing?

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Things I would consider very original, but not anymore after I've written them down:

  • My boyfriend playing in a commercial on TV asking me something special(like going on a holiday together, ormarrying me...)
  • My boyfriend singing a song on the radio asking me something alike
  • On my birthday having an air balloon dropping Passion Flora over my house, like it's snowing flowers when I wake up
  • Living in a castle with my personal elevator
  • Dying of a shock of something that makes me extremely happy

Ofourse things like this will never be meant for me.
Ruben just sms'ed me that when you miss someone, time ticks slower, which makes you have more time to miss that person. True, anyhow he's not here.

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Where is my comb?!

Goddamn! I really hate some people. I'd like to shake the hell out of them. Why don't they keep their hands off of my things if they can't do something useful anayway. I went hysterical, shouting and screaming this house under. I didn't find my comb. That Sylvie-creature is exactly what I thought: a piece of brat and she doesn't care for me, she just thinks the world is going to follow her hard way. My first impression of her wasn't good, and she never did any better since. She always misplaces my comb andd other things. The first thing I do when she's gone is searching that stuff, I usually find it and I have to put them back where they belong, otherwise Sylvie can't find them herself. I searched everywhere but I can't find it, so that woman has to have put it somewhere I can't reach. What the hell she cares? I hate that kind of careless people. So irritating. It stresses me out, I scream to react me off in some way, I hyperventilate and I get migraine. Migraine makes me wanting to be dead. I don't want to be in pain, I want to rest and to sleep for a 100 years. Ruben may wake me. But not befor my 100 years of sleep have passed. And I hate it the way paople orden things differently in my house. What can I say? I'm acontrol-freak. I don't want to feel the way I do sometimes. Stupid people, why do I have to live among those?
I'm on a diet because I find myself too fat, I only weigh about 48 kg, but it's not my weight, but my thickness that bothers me. I have been drinking bottles of citrus juice up to two a day, and in the evening I'm not eating. And it makes me depressed not to notice the difference with a week ago.

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Queen of moodswings.

Ok, so tell me what this is, at least not normal - to not say very abnormal. But suddenly I feel the urge to die. What am I doing? First of all, I'm ruining Ruben's life, I make him feel miserable and I've taught him to only need me. I'm stupid and I'm useless and I could never act useful. I hate myself for being a nuisance, when I'm not able to change it. I'm not worth food, why do I eat while starving to death seems like such an attractive idea? It's a slow death, so if I change my mind I can live and eat at any time again. But I'm stubborn and pigheaded, and proud of it. I'm too fat anyway.
I lied to my grandmother, she always comes in the evening - she won't come anymore when Ruben will be back - and the lie I told her was that Ruben will be back tomorrow. It actually doesn't bother me that I told her this lie. I mean, I'm almost 22, I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. But the real reason I told her that, is because I'd like it very much to have an evening pecefully and quit. I mean, it's irritating to have a chatterbox around when all I think is shut up. This is my holiday too, actually. I'm normally apathetic and antisocial and stuff, so I'd like to be all alone before Ruben comes back.
I'm proud of my hair. It looks long, red and so healthy. I love my hair.

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I didn't sleep.Mica is wet of sweat. I have it difficult with the amount of Ozon. I feel so sick of this humid heath. I'm sick of talking about it. Everybody is bluffing how hot it is on their holidays. Just shut up! I don't give a damn about figures! In every way. Goddamn. I just want to be left alone in my grief. Pretty please...

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Heavy stuff.

I just got a parcel by mail , from Germany. It were the fcour books I ordered online at amazon.de. There is so much to do online, enough to spend a lifetime online. I love it, it's easy, especially for me because I can't go shopping whenever I like.
I bought four books of the excellent writer Elizabeth Würtzel :

  • Prozac Nation, young and depressed in America
    Which I already read in Dutch: Het Land van Prozac, alles mee en toch depressief. Elizabeth Würtzel is an awesome writer. Very heavy, very honest, very me alike. She writes her misery down in a fantastic and funny way. I recognized myself in her story, it's her autobiography, but she actually could have written my life down.
  • Bitch, in praise of difficult women
  • Radical Sanity, commonsense for uncommon women
  • More, Now, Again

I'm happy to have this great lecture in front of me. It'll be some heavy reading because she uses some difficult and long sentences, with a meaning in every single word of it.

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Pricy love.

Guess how much Ruben spent by calling and sms'ing me in July and this week? No less than €250. Crazy, just crazy. I always pay the half of it anyway, but it' s just crazy. i told him that I'm always going to love him, how much he costs anyway. I meant that in a joke kind of way of course. But maybe now you'll see that we can't bear to be apart, not even for a moment. Anyhow, if he wasn't so far, it wouldn't have been so expensive. And he's not home untill Saturday.

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Thinking in this warmth.

Yesterday night I really felt sick becuause of the warmth. Though I stay inside all day because it's even hotter outside. I slept with my ventilator on, but I don't think it made some difference.
Yesterday I started to reread the lessons for my exam and today I finished the exam. So, I guess I'll be getting my diploma in a month. I already have the basics diploma, now I'll get one for specialisation in counselling. Nice title, I wonder which course I'll be doing next: colour therapy or hypnotising. Haven't decided yet.
I'm sick of hearing all about other's holidays. I haven't got the money nor the chance to go on the holiday I want. Others may have the fun they wnt, as long as they don't tell me all about it because I just don't want to hear it.
I thought about publishing my journal, but it's going to be aa hell of a work to correct all the mistakes and stuff, so that's not going to happen any soon, if it ever will. So, I think I'll better keep on writing on my second autobiography.
I have a presentiment that I'm going to be annoying to Ruben when he'll be back. I haven't figured out the reason yet.
I think I should go to Glasgow, where I lived for three years, don't know why exactly, but I feel that I should go there sometime.
Mica is silent, the warmth makes it too difficult to make a sound like miauw.

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Cry for my daddy.

I received a Hallmark postcard today. A cute one. With some delay A stamp of the United Kingdom. It must be from my daddy. On the envelope is written Fae and Tae inside a heart with an arrow through it. That surely are Scottish words, but I don't know what they mean... On the back of the envelope waas written I will call sometime. By Hallmark there was printed on a light blue envelope Out of the blue. And that is so true. On the card inside was printed Pigs are flying...and you've finally heard from me! The letter has been sent the 24th of July and the was a huge sticker on it with Delayed. I'vz felt all possible emotions today. And most of all I felt like crrying, no sadness or happiness, but overwhellming. In the card was written HI Jody, I got your message 6 months later (the 16th of February this year, I wrote him a huge letter, you can read it in my archive, which, it seems, he got 6 months later), daddy PS: see you soon and as for the rest I couldn't read it very well. Wow. Overhelmed. Emotional. Speechless. Here is nobody I can talk to about it, I need it so to be held and to talk about it...
I coloured my hair in henna (red) today again. My hair feels healthy and beautiful, nice red.
I would have done with Kim what I had planned, if Ruben didn't mess with my plans in Spain! He'd better hasn't and if he has, I'm just going to be so mad.

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Lost and found.

This afternoon my mum called. They're close to Lourdes (honestly, we don't believe in that kind of thing), in a camping we also went to when Bart was with us. I still remember the first night there, like it was yesterday. They have a wonderful sunparks alike swimming pool. The first night it was raining and we had to finiscch our dinner in our tent. That was cosy, and on the camping I also had my private adapted bathroom and I got the key of the bar at night, so I could always go there when something was wrong. The first night there was a karaoké and I was singing out loud, while Bart was so surprised and just watching me. Anyway, Ira got his first tooth, so I guess he'll be eating pieces of bread when he is back.
Today, I got a mail that I am nominated for some diarist award, but I don't think I'm with the finalists. But well, what do I care, for I write for myself and nobody else. I don't need an award, but it's fun to participate in such things, quite satisfying too.
Heavy day. I am lost without Ruben. Whatever he says, all he says is breaking my heart. So unbearable. I heard him crying and so, and though on one hand I could state it is satisfying to know him being sad for me too, on the other hand he is having a holiday - again - and he is together with his best friend. For me, if I never was with Ruben, I would never have believed that this was his best friend. I don't mean this in an offending way, but Ruben is so much more mature and he knows the path of feelings. Anyway, this will probably all sound a bit egocentric, but so be it, that's the way I feel and whatever people might say, my feelings won't be changed because of their statements whatsoever. But I no longer feel able to live without him by my side anymore. That in fact is what co-dependency is. I have absolutely nobody to talk to about these feelings and thoughts, but my 'talking' diary, not even a someone who wouldn't understand me (most probably that would be everybody), like Ruben has Thomas. And chatting is not talking, and moreover I don't like chatting a lot, I like it every now and then and I love chatting with Ruben when I can't see him, but I actually don't like chatting every day, I prefer mailing then because I can reply when I feel like it. I don't want to lock Ruben up in this life of misery, but I am doing that, or he chooses it. The thing I long for the most, is my death, and I do love him. But does that make living worth it? I'm sadder and more broken than Ruben only can imagine.

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Higo de la luna.

I just went to close my door at the terrace. That silver shell, which we call the moon, just caught my eye. She is beautiful, I know she reflects her light in Spain too. I bet Ruben does not see her at all. I'm tired, of crying and stuff.

A dream is the bearer of a new possibility,
the enlarged horizon,
the great hope.

— Howard Thuman

I wish Ruben would be himself, instead of acting boyish. I'm afraid I can't handle this no more.

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Dead and away.

For me, I don't believe in any upper creature, like God for example.That is why I consider suicide as a point of relief, the end of life. Why would I kill myself, if I believed in a life after death? Well, simply because I don't. I have to get clear to myself at this point, or clearer anyway. Maybe I'll start with writing down some facts, before I even try giving an interpretation.

  1. I am going to die sooner or later.
  2. I have a higher chance to have a bad heart and to die from it.
  3. All people have a rather high chance to die in some accident.
  4. I have a higher chance to die from a bad operation, since an operation wouldn't be so strange for me to have.
  5. I am convinced that I will kill myself some time, before I progress too much in my disease or before my heart grows worse.

Just imagine that my disease progresses and progresses, so much that physically I wouldn't be able anymore to kill myself. That would just be awful for me. I'm a control freak. And killing yourself is the only control I'd have, as long as I am able to do it. And if I lose that, I lose my likng to live, but also the ability to do something about it.
My sickening thought of liking my feelijngs of pain, obviously is not good It is psychotic, because the world does not appreciate no longer real humans with real feelings and not being ashamed for them. In that point of view, Ruben is a lot different from me. Most of all because he doesn't dare to tell his supposedly best friend, Thomas, the truth.
Suicide only needs to be justified for yourself. Who else, but oneself, has to live with oneself all life? I honestly believe that my suicide will be justified for myse;lf, this way.
Though I want to make it clear to everyone, that I dn't want to kill myself because of my disease. I sure love being this way, without progression though if I could.
Again, end of plea.

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Why does my heart feel like no other?

Like my heart is being smashed to the ground, and then cramping together in pain. Horrible. I feel like this feeling is unique in humanity, no other could ever feel this terrible. The rain should have been singing raindrops on my window tonight and probably for the whole coming week, hecause that would be the closest description to how I'm feeling. A heart, bruised by the silver moonlight, hanging in the shadow, without a soul noticing the ache, untill the light comes back. The emptiness in words of silence grins. The pain just watches and gently seeks it's way in me. Why is Ruben going, why will he smile his sadness away? I couldn't do that, I wish he wouldn't either. I wiish he were small enough to put him in my pocket, so I could take him out whenever I like, I could go anywhere with him.

Beauty is a form of genius —
is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation.
It is of the great facts in the world like
sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in dark water
of that silver shell we call the moon.

-- Oscar Wilde

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Frequently asked question.

Why am I myself? I wonder if I really love myself, or if I only think it. Because, sometimes it's like I feel only hatred for myself. I think I'm going to carve myself each time I miss him so much. There is no soul on this planet who could give me more than Ruben does. My only fear then is to lose any part of it, whatever part I lose, then I'll lose it all. I have no life alone and if your opinion is that you make life yourself, I don't find myself orthy to make my life.
This afternoon we called the letter of that studio and he might want to keep in mind to make a few adaptations, so maybe, I surely hope so, it will be good.
I'm sad and for once I'm not happy with it. Why does he have to leave? Why, if he'd be happier to stay at home? Sadness is eating me alive. It's breaking my haert to see all that I ever wanted, slipping away through my fingers.

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Last night, when Ruben left, I chatted with Bart. Bart is my ex and my first real true love. The last time that I heard of him, was last year when we saw eachother agaiin one night in November. Last week, he sent me a mail (a forward) and so I noticed he had msn too, so I added him. With no intention at all. It's so strange, we just could talk like in the old times. I don't know ifc he had never broken up with me, if I eventually would have. We were looking back to our beautiful memories. I'm sure he'll always be in my heart somewhere, it was truly a special someone, but now there is Ruben and it doedsn't matter what ever will happen, he'll stay even more close to me because I feel that he is the one I'm going to spend my life with.This noon Ruben and me went to the supermarket, the optician and to other little things, which had to be done. Then we cooked a little thing for ourselves, tonight we will too, and we'll also watch another movie together, Contact with Jodie Foster. Last day was quite funny, Ruben worked a bit on my wheelchair, a few adaptations that make it easier for me to sit in it. We do have a fantastic time alone in this house, doing everything by ourselves. Oh and this morning we went lokin g to that studio and the door was open, there wasn't anyone but we went looking to the space and it looks nice. There's not yet a kitchen or toilet or zo in it, so it's the perfect time for me to speak with the letter.

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Beautiful things.

Ruben was here when we waved my parents and my brothers goodbye. I shed a few tears. Not really becouse I was sad, but because I didn't know what else to do. I'm a bit too emotional sometimes. That's also a diffecult someone to be. I'll miss Ira, especially him and I long to hold him in my arms again.
Then Ruben and me talked a bit about what had to be done (feeding the chickens and the geese and my cat of course, watering the plants, shopping for food and stuff). The practical side, good preparation for when we go living together.
We also went to the optician. Ruben's glasses broke in Norway, so he quickly needed a new one, so he went buying one. Afterwards, we went to rent a video, Schrek, I saw it already and I wanted to see it together with him. We watched it tonight, we enjoyed seeing it in eachother's company.
How wonderful this is, having a large house and a great garden to ourselves for a monnth. This morning we filled my pool with hot water, maybe tomorrow we'll go in it.
This afternoon when we were 'making love', I suddenly started to cry. Because I love him more than words can say and I missed him, and I'm not exactly looking forward to miss him again from Friday on. It was the most beautiful moment I've spend with him. I can't even comprehend it. The most beutiful feeling of love in this exisence. It never happened to me before, I just love him with all my heart.

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I just died in your arms tonight....

We didn't even kiss. Maybe because I didn't feel like it... How I wonder... What it would be like to poison myself and to lay down in his arms while he caresses me tenderly to sleep...

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Last chocolate bar...

This morning I played a bit with baby Ira, I cried, I'll really miss him. I hope he still remembers me after not seeing me for a month.
Someone's boyfriennd said to her: "There's no love in fear". Made me think, it's a beauticful sentence and there is a lot of truth in it of course, however it stays hard not to fear sometimes. I think I don't easily grow out of that early feeling of being in love. I'm still as excited to see him as when we hugged for the first time, the 10th of August it's six months ago. Ancd six months already and his parents still haven't accepted our relationship. After six month, with lot's of troubles, we still will be together. He'll arrive tonight and he's coming by around 10 PM. I asked him not to phone me yesterday, I only would have cried anyway...

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In need of some wish.

Monday in the morning, my mum, Johan and my three brothers are leaving on a holiday for a month. With the camping car to Southern France, Spain and the Basque Country (my three brothers are named: Roebi Jan Sebastian, Ilya Sam Sebastian and Ira San Sebastian, to our favourite Basque City San Sebastian; we didn't want to give them second and third names, but because their names are unisex, the law of Belgium says that you have to give your child a second name which has to be obviously male or female; I was born before that law, though Jody is unisex too and to my opinion more male than female, I have no other names, by the way a few years ago I had an internet date with a boy of the same age called Jody). So I'll have the house to myself a whole month. It'll do me good, because now it's quite hectical with my younger brothers playing here with their friends. It'll be nice to have some silence around again.
Ruben is supposed to come untill Friday (with his sleeping breaks at home of couse, because his mum doesn't seem to understand that sex can happen every hour of the day, speaking of conservatism...). Then Ruben is going to Spain for a week - that week my grandmother is staying (in case I starve I bet she'll buy a whole food shop again) - and for the rest of the month Ruben again should be here to feed the chickens and stuff and off course to be with me. My mum forbid (sort of) my grandmother to come whenever Ruben is here, because she'd keep an eye on what wed're doing together, and she isn't supposed to tell me what to do and what not to do, and she won't let me do what I do without preachin, and I'm almost 22.

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What a draggy day.

I drag myself around the house, all damn day long. I feel alone, and lonely too. Ruben is coming back late tomorrow night though. I want to 'talk' to him, but I can't find a thing to sms him about, but a 'I miss you. I don't know what I feel about tomorrow. Last night, I cried myself to sleep. I thought about having babies, suicide and dying in general. I'm so sad. I'm dispassionateless too.
Yesterday evening, Johan told me about this years' studyclasses to Tunesia, or maybe it was last year. The funniest and most interesting was silent all the time, and never drinking any alcohol. He was staring at the sea all the time. Johan asked him why he didn't seem to have fun. He answered that he was missing his girlfriend too much... I can imagine that boy's feelings at that time. However, for some reason, I don't think Ruben would act that way too, but like always, I could be wrong. It tears me apart when I think about it. I don't ever want to have that feeling. I don't think I'd cope. For that reason I am questioning my relationship with Ruben. Can't help it, I'm so scared.

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All mine.

It is for a while already I've wanted to write this down. It makes me annoyed lots of people, who only read my blog and don't know me in person - if they not only read but one post - write judgements about me. Frankly enough it doesn't matter what they write, I never delete it anyway becauose I hate censorship. This has become an interactive blog, which I like in a way, my way. And I do appreciate my true readers and their comments, either positive or negative. But I don't appreciate judgements or 'orders (like 'stop feeling this or that way'). This is my journal, and I use it like the way it should be. I write down my feelings, an everybody has irrational feelings too, the one who doesn't isn't human. I don't think many people would have the guts to be as honest as I am, in public anyway. Therefor I'm proud of myself. But the readers who really matter to me, know that already. And it's not because some stated some things about my relationship, that I also think any differently about it. I love him and it's only him I need to be with. And if you really care about my feelings, you'll apreciate I write them down so honestly, lik my true readers do. This is my own journal, in which I write my feelings of the moment, and if you don't like my view on things, simply quit the reading.

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'Gentse feesten'.

Can you believe it? When I am too excited, I get depressed. Because I miss the only one who can make my excitement optimal. Ruben, who else? Lots of people think he's too young for this kind of serious relationship, but we are the only ones who feel that our emotions towards eachother are true and we both honestly believe that a love like ours doesn't exist among others. And that's exactly how you should be thinking in your unique relationship. Anyway, I'm not going to spend any time in convincing others this is an endless relationshîp.
This noon we went to visit Anja and her baby. It touched me again to hold such a sweet, little baby in my arms. It makes me a bit jealous to see all of those young couples who are looking so happy with their first baby. I really want babies of myself (and Ruben) and i want them in the next three years. My mum was 19 when she got me, this year she got 41 after Ira (February 7th) was born.
Anja offered us all a drink, to honour Nello, I asked a cherry geneva and I got quite a glass. I had forgotten not to drink too much with those muscle relaxants I take lately. So, in the car I was so relaxed, that I almost fell asleep. But hey, no harm was done, and I was fit again very soon. We went for lunch together with mum, she works with her mum so she can go for lunch most of the time.
We then went looking for an earring for Ruben, we found one, I bought one. Then my brothers started to ask for one too. Ilya (8 years old, he got an earring shot as a Christmas present, two years ago), he lost his earring and so he just wanted to have a new earring. Roebi (8 years old) wanted to have an earring shot, like his brother, today. And well, since I have six earrings, a belly button piercing and a tattoo, I couldn't find something more I could do to myself.
After that we went to child animation and stuff, and three times Johan and me drove with the bumper scooters. Roebi wanted my wheelchair to have a balloon, so all afternoon I had a balloon attached to my wheelchair, wich I kept for little Ira.
We went direction car, we stopped to get a drink and then I got an sms from Ruben, and then someone came to me and asked me if I was didi. What a nice surprise, and coincedence to meet someone of Antwerp in Gent. It was Steffest, who by the way made me a script to adapt the lay-out of my comments. He also is a blogger, and he reads my journal too, so he recognized me (or my flashy wheelchair) from my picture. Lovely to meet him that way.
I'm a little bit afraid Ruben will say that because I had 'fun' today, that he's going to demand that he'll have fun in Spain himself. I won't be stopping him from having fun...
This evening he was crying again (when he does that, his mum assumes that we have a fight, blah, always having her prejudices), his mum said that 'somehow it must be that you really like that girl'. Come on, since when does he have to prove that he likes me? All people would have figured that one out by now, but not hiss parents off course. They seem ro hold on to the ridiculous thought that they can still break us up. Which is nonsense, because I'm never letting him go.

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Refreshing girl.

One day, a few years ago (in the students' home in Gent) Ello (Ellen, some four years younger than me, but already mature at that time) and me met, we were zo alike in a way and from the first moment on we got along so well. When our friendship started we began blogging eachother letters (that was the beginning of January 2001). We were hugfriends in a way too. Anyway, last night we met on the chat again. It was a happy chat for both I think. I'm so happy she's around again, I mean, the good people will always return to one another. And she's a fantastic girl (and the first and only girl I was in love with for a while - I don't quite know if she 'really' knew that, but it's true). In May she got diagnosed with Spasmofily, a bit like CFS, but doing fysiotherapy seems to help her a lot, and she'll probably feel better next year.
Ok, so tomorrow I'm to the Gentse feesten with Johan and the kids, but if I'm awake early enough, we'll go to see Anja and her baby first. I made her a card today. Then we'll try to go and meet mum for lunch, and in the afternoon I'll go looking for a silver earring for Ruben and then we'll go to the child animation for the kids.
Ruben, hearing him on the phone and knowing that he is a few thousend miles away... It's hard not to cry, I feel my haart skipping a beat when he says bye. I just never seem to have something to tell him, my words don't come out, but I love him!

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Lying bound and broken on the floor.

Ok, now the not so hysterical me. I won't defend the way I feel, but I'll write my feelings down very honoustly. It is absolutely not that I don't want or accept Ruben to go to Norway and to Spain. But he's dating me and me happens to be an incredible difficult person, who lives via her feelings. So, when she gets hysterical, she turns the world upside down and either you care or you don't. And he happens to care. I care about him too, but that doesn't mean I'm going to hold back my feelings. I'd rather die than not to have feelings - good and bad ones. This is not subjective, but when it's Sunday evening the worse part for him will end and for me it will begin. I know how much he loves me, but that just desn't change my feelings about being without him. And I need to be with him a lot, maybe in the next phase of my life I won't need to be with him so much, who knows, who caresn I'm talking about here and now. I don't have the courage to live on like this for much longer, I mean, make me see why I should live an unfair life, or why I should die. I can't see it on my own.

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What's there about life that's fair??? I think that maybe it wold be better not to see him after Norway, he may stay home for that five days and after Ruben went to Spain, I can see him again. He doesn't need to phone me either. There goes my sick mind again. I know, but I don't care - or I don't care I care. He knew I would say that, it's his parents's fault, and when he goes to Spain, I'll say the same, if he doesn't want that, he should break with me or he should stay. But he'll go anyway, so he has to deal with the consequences. Don't say I'm bad, because I know it and I even want to die as a punishment. Hello world, this is the real me, that suicidal bipolar girl. That girl who's life has been totally screwed up, before she was been botn, and due to that she has been depressed ever since. I should just kill myself and not only talk about it. But I gave my best pills away (or she took them, whatever) to a friend, who even didn't suceed in killing herself. Out of sympathy... How stupid, I only care for my own death, not for someone elses.
PS: I got my period!

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I cleaned up my terrace table with apple vinegar. I guess that smell will dry in the sun today.
Anja, yesterday gave birth to a boy, he's named Nello. I tried to look up the explanation of that name, but there was none.
Thursday, we (Johan, me and the kids) are going to the Gentse Feester. While we are in ghent that day, we'll pop in in the hospital to see Anja and her bay. In the Gentse feesten I'll go looking for a silver earring for Ruben. He's still got the little one from the beginning, now I'll go and buy (when I find one) him a real ring.
I'm home alone today, and tonight Johan is going to the doctor's. I asked him to ask for six prescrptions for me, two of each: the anticonception pill (well yeah, I've already got a lot of them, but you can't be prepared enough - though I want a baby); Urispas and Liorisal, that muscle relaxant, but I am relaxed enough with half a dose.

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